As a responsible father, it would have been their job to talk to the boy and ask him why he was being creepy. But not this guy. This guy would blame women if the rains messed up his Tata Sky connection. 

And now, your life’s screwed, ain’t it? Cos, boy, you have got to go to the same university, meet the same group of people, all of whom, BTW now know you were creeping on your teacher. Women can’t wait to block you on every social media account they have pictures on. And your bros will now be nervous about you telling everyone where you got those pictures from.

But all is not lost yet. There are still a few destinations you could go to for the proverbial Ganga snan to wash off your sins. 

1. Your friend who’s still sharing Amber Heard ‘bee’ reels and defending Johnny Depp despite the overwhelming evidence that shows the actor speaking about doing unspeakable things to his ex-wife. Uska baadi mein chole jaa.

You’ll be safe here. He won’t judge you. Afterall, he saw an opportunity to dehumanise a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault and thought, ‘wow. this meme’s funny, let me pile on the woman’. This guy thinks men are the victims of matriarchy and need to hit back. He won’t judge you or your dad. You will feel right at home, your father more so. 

2. Bengaluru

Karanataka people like telling women what they can or can’t wear. So much so, that they make legislation about it. I mean, the traffic would suck but you are UC person so you won’t have trouble renting houses. The food will also be to your liking, and just like in Kolkata, you can eat whatever you want there. Literally! 

And your dad won’t even have a problem sending you there because of all the IT-hub PR Bengaluru has, and it will be easy for him to forget about raising you the right way because let’s be honest, he’s doing a really bad job of it right now. 

3. Kota! One of those IIT coaching institutes will take you. They don’t care about humanities, or that you are creepy AF. They are like, ‘ye sab to hota hi hai‘. Also, you will fit right in with all the engineers. Science mein sexism allowed hai. 

And even if you don’t get in, in 10 years’ time, TVF will make a show about your struggles and who knows, you might even feature in Kota Factory season 15 or something, cos the IIT coaching is a great business, and cousin, business is a boomin’. Kuch nahi to standup comedy kar lena bro.

4. The Joe Rogan Podcast– Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe the Delhi people won’t know that much about it but you as a Bengali bhadralok are educated in the ways of American media. 

Tu proper fit karega bhai, duniya ka sab bokachoda jaata hai apne aap ko defend karne udhar. And if you are lucky, who knows when Jordan Peterson might come and defend your father? As MeN, iT iS iMpErAtIvE fOr Us SaVe OuR kIdS fRoM sUcH dEvIaNts!  

Hey, he might even ask you for the pic of your professor, then bodyshame her on social media by saying people like her shouldn’t wear swimsuits anyway. 

And then every liberal and their mother will be on Peterson’s ass for his comments and they will forget about you and your stupid father. And you’ll be off the hook, a forgotten fragment of social media justice tossed aside to live a mediocre life dictated by his parents. 

5. Film City, Noida will also be a great place to go to if your father isn’t done with making the professor’s life miserable and wants to completely destroy her life because he’s too uncomfortable to have the ‘bird and bees’ talk with you. 

Being the home of national TV news, you will have prime-time anchors ‘debate’ this case in a way that further dehumanises your professor and shows you as a poor victim of a seductress. Wooooo! While depending on the date of the elections and her political affiliations, some anchors will absolutely assassinate her character. Others of a more liberal nature, will do monkey balance and say subhratri on Twitter while getting shouted at by guests every evening for not being complete a-holes. 

6. You could join one of those incel-only groups that harass couples in parks. 

You must have seen those around, their numbers have gone up drastically in Kolkata over the last few years. Yeah, join them. Your daddy already shares mutual moral codes with them. So you would fit right in. Also, you are from the top of the caste pyramid, and you go to a university. So there will be no discrimination and with your degree, you could climb that ladder really quick. It’s a great career prospect as well. 

Too bad, this isn’t the 16th century or you could just burn women on a pyre for tempting you. OH, LoOkInG aT tHe WiTcH dId MaGiC iN mY PaNtS, BURN HER!!!

Bhai, samajh raha hai tu? Munna Bhaiya ban ne ke kagar pe hai tu!