His words angered every cell of my being, while also filling me with the worst kind of fear, a fear that usually ends with the end of a life.

I met Aman (name changed) when I was in my first year of college.

The relationship I shared with him was beautiful in the beginning, just like all relationships are. In fact, I was the first one to approach him after I started developing romantic feelings for him.

He was the perfect boyfriend. He would get me flowers, take me to the prettiest places in town. He’d make me feel special 24×7.

He came across as a normal person if you know what I mean.

After 4 years into this relationship, things started to change for the worse.

He started getting annoyed by everything I did if I spent more time with my friends or went to my dancing classes. By the fact that I had hobbies I wanted to invest my time into and not just him. By the fact that I chose sleep over him. By the fact that I would do anything without him.

He was grossly attached to me.

It made me feel unsettled. I decided to call it quits.

Once I announced the same to him, he lost his shit.

First, he begged me to take him back. I said NO.

Then, he begged me some more. I said NO.

Then he threatened to kill himself. It shook me but I still stood my ground and said NO.

And then, he started with his endless threats of releasing my nudes out on social media.

2016. Social Media was booming. Not only was every person I ever knew on it, but also, my family.

I couldn’t make peace with it. How can anyone? That is all I thought about all day long. I was dreading to see a message from someone I knew that they had seen something online. Every day, for a year.

I started replying to Aman’s messages, not because I wanted to, but out of fear. I wanted to keep myself updated that he’s not doing anything fucked up. But all that consumed me completely, fucked me up.

A year of my life was gone, just like that.

This one night, he decided to call me. It had been a month since he had stopped threatening me. My insides kind of exploded when I saw his number blinking on my phone. The fear returned in full force. I picked up the call. He apologised. He said he was sorry for what he did and he doesn’t intend on doing anything with the pictures. He also told me that he has started dating a new girl.

I spent a year in utter fear, depression and lot of anxiety. I fell sick. I felt lonely. I felt oppressed. I tried to kill myself. And in a phone call, it was all okay from his end. 

How was it okay? A sorry is all it took to belittle my misery. It made me so angry but what could I have done? Will anyone be willing to see me as a victim instead of an instigator? No. They will only see this as my fault.

And hence, I will never speak. I will never be able to tell my story with my face on it. And who knows, what triggers Aman one day and he starts threatening me again. Who knows?

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