The talk of exes is often the hush-hush conversation in a relationship- and when your partner wants to stay in touch with them, it’s normal to be a little skeptical about it. I mean, how can someone be friends with people once they were romantically involved with right?

1. Ask them what’s going on.

Before jumping to conclusions, ask them what’s going on. Try to understand what your partner’s relationship is with their ex. Often we are bursting into flames, and forget what needs to be done. Trust me, a little control over your emotions can guide you on what to do next!

2. Your partner should openly communicate about you with their ex.

Check if your partner has told their ex about you. It gives you an idea of where you stand in their life and how important the present relationship is to them.

I can absolutely understand why you feel insecure because of this. As a rather jealous person myself I can understand how painful this feeling of insecurity is and I think this is a scenario where you won’t get closure just like that. I would directly talk to him, tell him how it makes you feel but that you don’t expect him to cut her off and that you understand him. If he’s the right one for you I think he will be understanding, reassure you and be considerate in the future when it comes to this topic.

-PermitLong

3. It’s important to know the reason behind why they talk to their ex.

Find out why they are still in touch with them. No matter how vexed you are, knowing why your partner is talking to their ex can change everything.

She was a good friend prior, we ended on good terms, and there are no feelings romantically, so there’s no reason NOT to talk.

-Manners2210

4. Don’t play the blame game.

It often hinders the actual communication, and you end up in tears. Step into each other’s shoes and understand the situation without any bias.

5. Talk about boundaries.

Have a conversation about the boundaries they are willing to keep with their ex. It gives you an idea of the security they are willing to offer in the present relationship. Always ask, how secure do you feel in the relationship?

There is a difference between being controlling and setting boundaries. Being in a relationship means setting and respecting boundaries as a relationship is a partnership. 

-babyb0n3

6. Throw the comparison thought out of the window.

If you want your relationship to work, don’t end up comparing it with your partner’s ex. That’s the last you would want to do.

7. Observe how your partner reacts when they talk about their ex.

What kind of emotions do they hold? You will get an idea if they are still into them or not.

I’m okay with it as long as he doesn’t act secretive about it. If he prohibits me from meeting the exes or participating in events where the exes are there (or, frankly, any of his friends, not just exes) I would find that deceptive. It’s not like I have to be there to monitor them or anything, but saying I’m not allowed, would be weird.

-sunshinecliffs

8. See what kind of relationship your partner has with their ex. Is it unhealthy for the present relationship?

As long as the exes are nice to him, respectful of him, and have something to talk about other than their lives together when they were dating.

-snapkangaroo

9. It’s natural if you are not entirely comfortable with it.

I’m fine with it mostly. Of course, at times I won’t be entirely comfortable with it but I’m not gonna say what they can and cannot do.

-BlackMathNerd

10. A conversation on an occasional basis works.

If it’s just a friendly chat from time to time, that’s no problem. But I’d get uncomfortable about them being really close. Though it is kind of a case-by-case basis, there’s a difference if they just casually dated many years ago or if they had a lot of history and there may still be latent feelings.

-Drakkanrider

All of that said, don’t let the past seep into your present relationship! 

Read more: 12 Redditors Who Are Friends With Their Ex Share How It Worked Out For Them.