So, moving on, I’m the founder of one of the most popular dance companies in the country, and we do dance productions with the budget of crores. Though I’m not sure where the money comes from or why our shows sell out like a Coldplay concert, this is how it’s always been. My company has recently been in the news because I kicked out my partner, that jackass Rahul (God, why was I working with him after all that), but he deserved it. And I’m here to tell you why.

You all know what a kickass dancer I am, going back to when I started as just another dancer in Rahul’s company.

I mean, I kept the show running while Rahul was busy smoking up and dreaming about some Maya who DID. NOT. EXIST. And how did he repay me? By replacing me when I broke my foot. In the dance and in his life. With this Pooja who repeatedly makes out with her dupatta.

Listen, only desi aunties are allowed to love dupattas this much. And Pooja had some weird ideas about love, like “someone somewhere is made for you.” So while I was being led on by Rahul and helping him shop and generally manage his life, she was gifting herself stuff for Valentine’s Day!

What’s that you’re saying? I should have known Rahul did not like me like that? Listen boss, he was pillow wrestling and singing songs with me outside of our rehearsals every single day. He broke into the hospital I was in just to dance with me for 30 seconds. Everyone and their mother knew of my massive crush on him, and dude just refused to acknowledge it, even when I accidentally on purpose said I love you to him while I was drunk.

After I broke my foot, I realized that he constantly needed a woman to boss around and pick up his slack, because he did not waste two seconds in finding Pooja and slobbering all over her. Pooja also went around flirting with him and cheating on her fiance, but who cares about us supporting characters, right?

Even once I got out of the hospital Rahul kept messing with my head, until I broke down and told him that it’s not fair. We had a nice cathartic cry, but he was dreaming if he thought I was going to leave without one last smackdown with Little Miss Dupatta.

Maybe it was overkill. I don’t know. I was really fucking hurt and I hadn’t danced in a while. But maybe I shouldn’t have taken it out on Pooja, so I apologized to her the next day and left for London. Because money can buy happiness, especially in the form of a plane ticket away from Rahul’s fuckboy antics. He did try to stop me, but that’s only because he needed a sidechick to dump all his emotions on, especially since Pooja’s fiance was back and they couldn’t continue with their khullam khulla pyaar.

Anyway, everyone knows how the story ended, and that’s only because of Ajay, otherwise Rahul and Pooja would have wasted more time and more lives. Though before you praise Ajay too much, remember that 15 seconds after his fiancee dumped him very publicly, he asked me out.

What the hell kinda boys existed in the 90s? Anyway, it’s been 20 years since all of this went down. And after Rahul and Pooja got married, it didn’t take long for Pooja to realize that Rahul was, indeed, a fuckboy and definitely not ready to be a husband. Every time she asked him to do something, he would start whistling. After a very quick and painless divorce, she went to the US and married some nice doctor there, while Rahul came back to me. By then, I’d startedthis company, so I took pity on him and made him my partner. After all, he knew how to sell a random dance show like a Coldplay concert. Lately, though, he’s going through some kind of a midlife crisis and has started smoking up again. The final nail in the coffin was when he started talking about Maya again. I’ve jhelo-ed it before but I’m not going to put up with this bullshit in my 40s. So I cut him loose.

 I did date Ajay for a while, but he was obviously a rebound, so we broke up soon after. Since then, I’ve been dating on and off but I haven’t gotten married, to the mild horror of everyone around me. I wanted to run this company without any distractions, and Rahul did teach me that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I daresay that the opposite is, in fact, true. Even on my loneliest days though, I don’t buy myself any Valentine’s Day presents, because that is some hippie bullshit. All I do is dance.