Dear 15-year-old me,
A couple of weeks back, you discovered porn, and you’ve been regretting it ever since. Not because you got in trouble for it, or because you hated it, or because it’s scarred you forever.
You’re regretting it, because it made you realise just how attracted you are to girls.
It’s weird and confusing, because you’ve always thought of yourself as a person who likes guys. You’ve spent hours in the past thinking about the kind of guys you’d like to date, melted over handsome heroes in books and movies and swooned over crushes in school.
You’re convinced that this is a mistake. How could you possibly be attracted to both?
You alternate between trying to convince yourself that you like guys, not girls and vice versa; because you’ve heard about Straights and Gays and Lesbians. Life makes so much sense when you can sort things into clear cut compartments. Besides, physical attraction is so basic, so fundamental that it’s hard to believe someone could be confused about it.
On a scale of guy-guy to girl-girl you’re either on one extreme or bang in the middle.
Everyone you’ve shared your feelings with so far has asked you to “make up your mind”. It’s almost like you have a choice in the matter that you haven’t exercised yet.
But here’s the thing. Everyone around you knows about as much about sexual preferences as you do. Some of them, even less. Many of them are not going through the turmoil you’re in right now, and many aren’t even acknowledging the doubts they have.
It’s OK to not want to categorise yourself as a guy lover or a girl lover, and it’s perfectly alright to be able attracted to both genders. As long as you’re capable of loving, it really, really doesn’t matter who or what you feel that love for.
Yes, I said “what”. Over time, you will realise that there are people out there who can love not just people but plants, animals, books, their souls and pretty much every other concievable thing in the world. You may or may not understand how they do it, but it’s enough to know that they do. As long as you can appreciate their love, you know your heart is in the right place.You may not have them now, but there will be a time when you will be surrounded by friends, colleagues and family who support you and accept you as you are.
The time will come, when stating that you’re bisexual would require about as much bravery on your part as it takes for a friend to tell you they’re straight.
They may not get the implications of your statement, or understand what it feels like to be you. But they’ll know better than to ask you to choose. Sometime in the future, you might find yourself in a girl’s hostel, where the girls continue to change in front of you even after you come out to them, because they can’t conceive of a girl being attracted to them the same way their boyfriends are. You may, or may not be able to work up the nerve to ask them out.
Let’s just say, that in the end you’ll find a Person who loves you for what you are and understands that out of all the men and women in the world, you chose them.
Love from,Your older and wiser self
