Soya chunks are to vegetarians what Disney movies are to Martin Scorsese. This statement has been used over and over again, and then some more. Thik hai yaar, we get it. Vegetarians love to eat soya chunks. But can vegetarians, vegans and other subsidiaries of hardcore vegetable enthusiasts stop saying bullshit like it’s the “vegetarian meat” or it’s “veg chicken!” It’s not. Stop trying to spread lies and coerce me into liking it. 

India’s Kitchen

Soya chunks don’t even remotely resemble chicken. They’re nothing alike. 

They’re as polar opposite as Ranveer Singh and human clothing, Akshay Kumar and women his own age, Salman Bhai and abs that are real, Bollywood and a good script. Need I go on?

Hehe, I can go on. Manchester United and a good manager post Fergie, VFX and Ekta Kapoor serials, my dog and its tail, my will to exercise and my conviction to follow through etc etc. Okay, moving on…

Foodies terminal

Neither their taste nor their texture is the same. Soya resembles a dried-out wet sponge in terms of consistency. It not only feels rubbery but also tastes like an eraser. What? Oh yeah, we have all eaten an eraser or two as kids. You are lying if you say you haven’t. 

NDTV

I guess soya chunks could be like chicken, if chicken was overcooked for 100 hours and all the moisture was sucked out, also like my will to live after watching Samrat Prithviraj. 

YouTube

And don’t even get me started on gym bros. Gym bros will on broken glass to kiss the mouth of the last person that ate soya chunks. “Ya bro, soya chunks have 10x the protein chicken does bro.” Tu kha na bhai, you will get 22 inch biceps, sure but at what cost?

Soya chunks are so bland that they make British food look masaledaar. When the British colonized India, they should’ve stolen soya chunks, not our spices. It would suit their palate more. I mean no matter how much you submerge yourself in curries and flavouring, you’ll still be dry, drab and dreary. Goes for both Englishmen and soya chunks. 

Also why TF do soya chunks have such a pungent odour? They smell like a fart. What, oh you didn’t know? Women fart as well. Our anatomies are not very different in matters of smelly poop air. 

Okay guys my rant is officially over. All jokes aside, it’s cool if you like soya chunks. We get it, you care about the environment, it has a higher bio-availability or you just like it! But that doesn’t mean it’s a substitute for meat. It’s a lie to make you buy an inferior product off the shelf at a supermarket because that’s how corporations work. Also, they don’t care about the environment. Nobody cares about your carbon footfrint’s slight increase from eating tandoori, while oil companies continue to dump millions of tons of oil into the oceans and and then ask for tax payers’ money to pay for damage control while we eat her eating soya chunks, trying to figure out picchle janam mein aise kya paap kiye the jo ye khana pad raha hai!