1. ‘Biopic’ about real-life events that maybe, probably, could have, might have, might not have strictly happened. 

Yeaaah, you say it happened but did it really? Did it happen? And exactly the way it did in Akshay’s movies? Kesari was highly fictionalised, so was Airlift, as was Mission Mangal and Baby to just name a few. I am not even gonna get into the period pieces because you big babies get all your diapers in a bunch. *Waaan Waaan*, MFs. 

2. The leading lady must be half his age, better if he’s known her since she was a child. 

He is the original Bollywood Khiladi after all. I mean, at some point, someone has to just step up and call it out for what it is, right? Just downright creepy? Akshay Kumar is older than Saif Ali Khan, Sara Ali Khan’s father, and she was the leading lady in Atrangi Re. 

3. Deshbhakti swaad anusaar. 

I am not going to dive too deep into this because apparently if you interview the right person, the media loses the right to criticise your inane attempts to monetise a popular sentiment for personal benefits while the rest of the country quarrels over it. 

4. A woman centric film but where he gets the most screen time. 

Ah yes, Mission Mangal, Baby etc etc where the movie is about women who are so good at their job that they have already kicked patriarchy in the bollocks in real life but in reel life, the Indo-Canadian actor simply takes all the space. Literally. I mean, just look at this poster. 

5. Kapil Sharma pe jaane ka mauka mauka!

Akshay Kumar loves going on Kapil Sharma while promoting his films. He just seems in his element in there. So much so that the last time Kapil tried to crack a slightly political joke, Akshay dared him to say the joke if he had the spine. Real gangster stuff, right there. 

6. Police brutality, subtle to not-so-subtle Islamophobia, stuff that keep Twitter and the news cycle away from real issues. 

To be fair, that’s mostly what the Hindi film industry runs on right now so can’t single Kumar out, but I still had to write 10 points. I mean, 9 points is just weird, man. 

7. Roles that might go to Ajay Devgn if he doesn’t take them. 

Who else? John Abraham would do it too to be honest but Ajay Devgn is a slightly better actor. So natural successor to Akshay Kumar. Vimal bros for life!

8. Some social issue, that the script will completely miss the point of. 

Did you guys watch Laxmi? What the actual f**k was that supposed to be about? 

9. Movies that won’t require a lot of physical transformation.

10. The role will require the lead to be an officer of some kind, don the uniform of some form of armed forces of the country. 

Look, you can’t be a deshbhakt without appropriating the armed forces to make crores. Those are the rules, I didn’t make them. Akshay Kumar did. 

There you go. There is a method to his madness.