The problem is that we didn’t get much sex education. The problem is that a lot of us are still attempting hit and trial when it comes to sex, which, believe it or not, is a bad way to go. While we recognize open and honest communication is the bare minimum when it comes to the *act*, there are things about pleasure we’re better off knowing than experimenting cluelessly.
Thanks to the Internet, experts are more accessible now. Even though they may not be able to cure your specific concerns, there are a wide variety of people’s concerns they have addressed on platforms like Reddit, especially Dr. Jessica O’Reilly and Carlos. Here are somethings they have previously addressed on Reddit that we thought you’d like to read:
1. Do you believe that sexual incompatibility really affects a relationship? Not necessarily conflicting sex drives, but let’s say kinks.
– _CPT_
“It depends on the relationship and how comfortable the other partner is in meeting that need. She can love getting rammed up the ass like no one’s business, but if he’s doing it while feeling uncomfortable, chances are she’s not going to love it and he’s not going to feel good about doing it. If he’s going to feel ‘dirty’ or ‘guilty’ or whatever afterward it’s going to take a toll on his self-esteem. It will also take a toll on her and the relationship. Imagine being with someone who finds your kinks repulsive. There is no way that will boost your self-esteem long term.”
2. Whenever I engage in intercourse, it hurts a lot in spite of enough lubrication. I have been fortunate to have a very patient and understanding husband but I want to find a solution to this problem. Could there be something physically wrong with me?
“It’s possible that it’s a physical issue. I have to emphasize that I’m a PhD – not a medical doctor. Have you seen your healthcare provider? I would recommend that you visit your doctor, but also visit a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist. They get right ‘in there’ and give you exercises that are specific to your issue (it’s not just about doing kegels — in fact, you may be hypertonic, in which case kegels can do more harm than good). It’s also possible that you’re not turned on/relaxed. Mindfulness and CBT can help with this. Some people experience vaginismus — the muscles clamp up so tightly that it feels like you can’t even insert a Q-tip. There are some online resources to help with this and you can work on breathing and relaxation while working with dilators. But the first stop is a good healthcare practitioner.”
3. I finish way too quickly. We’re talking less than a minute. I try my best to make up for it in always offering oral, fingers, foreplay, kissing, everything. She says it’s not a problem and content, but of course, I still have my doubts. It’s starting to affect my drive because while I want to have sex I’m hesitant because I’m worried about being horrible.
“Have you tried masturbating ahead of time? Or practicing ‘lasting longer’ while masturbating (with a sleeve) if that feels more like an intercourse? You could also use a cock ring. I would also suggest you try a few ‘sessions’ in which your only job is to ‘receive’ pleasure. She can go down on you, stroke you or do something else for your pleasure so you get used to taking pleasure as opposed to focusing on ‘performance’. Hope this helps!”
4. Are there any fetishes/kinks that you discourage your patients from?
“As long as everything is safe, sane, consensual and not having a negative impact on your life, have at it :)”
5. What’s it like going for a PhD in human sexuality? What do people say when you tell them your job?
“The research itself wasn’t as sexy as it sounds. I was studying interventions to improve teacher comfort and knowledge of sexual health topics. I’m passionate about public education and believe sex ed can save lives, but it’s definitely not a sexy research. When people find out what I do they usually say ‘I have an interesting case/story for you…’ and then proceed to overshare.”
6. What is the most common thing you tell couples?
– mkinetic
“Don’t wait until something is wrong to talk. Talk about the difficult topics (sex, kids, money, religion, in-laws, family, death) before the issues arise. And if you’re going to talk about sex, start with the 3 Fs: Feelings, Frequency, and Fantasy. Feelings – discuss your Core Erotic Feeling. This is the feeling you require in order to have sex. Frequency – How often do you want to have sex? How often do you think your partner wants to have sex? It’s likely that you think you know how often your partner wants it, but most people tend to misread their partner’s desire. Fantasy – What are the core themes of your fantasies? You don’t have to share every detail, but you will benefit from highlighting patterns and the feelings associated with your fantasies.”
7. What’s the least known tip you could give anybody to improve their sex life?
“I’ll offer two: Be selfish: We have turned sex into a performance and many of us are so hung up on being good and pleasing our partners that we forget about our own experience of pleasure. Giving is grand, but you’ll be a better lover and enjoy sex more if you also learn to be a taker and being selfish can help to alleviate performance anxiety. To get started, you might try mindful masturbation. Touch yourself slowly just to experience the sensations rather than trying to reach orgasm. Notice what sounds, feelings, strokes, rhythms, etc. you like so that you can do more if it when/if you’re with a partner. Consider your core erotic feeling: Your core erotic feeling is the feeling that you most strongly associate with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment. To help identify your CEF, answer this simple question: how do you need to feel in order to enjoy sex? Do you need to feel loved? Relaxed? Appreciated? De-stressed? Desired? Sexy? Challenged? Threatened? Jealous? Subjugated? Powerful? Surprised? This list is obviously non-exhaustive.”
8. “Is it true that if you don’t ‘use it’ you ‘lose it?‘
“You will not ‘lose it’, but you may find you need to ease back into sex depending on the type of sex you want to have. For example, one of my clients didn’t have sex for 10+ years and she found that she was more tense when attempting to slide a toy into her vagina for the first time. This, of course, is surmountable. She simply had to learn to relax, get aroused and become a bit more familiar with her pelvic floor muscles — which we all should do!”
9. How do you feel a out Polyamorous relationships?
“They require excellent time management, communication skills and a true desire to be in one. They can be just as healthy or unhealthy as monogamous relationships :)”
10. What do you think is the best way to ask your partner to try something new in bed?
“I really like using pop culture references — if you see something on TV or in a movie that piques your interest, use the scene as a conversation-starter. It often feels less threatening when you use this approach. You can also frame it as a dream. ‘Oh I had this dream about ________. What do you think about that?’”
11. What makes good sex?
– vortish
“Pleasure and passion! You can make sex pleasurable by simply asking your partner what they like. More here? Faster? Slower? Harder? Use your hands, lips, tongue, breath and every other body part you can think of. And make sure you learn to both give and take. You can make sex more passionate by making it part of an escape from reality. Whisper in your partner’s ear. Let them play a role they wouldn’t normally play. Weave a fantasy for them and stroke their ego. Tell them just how badly you want them (and how intensely they’re desired by others too). Ultimately, each person’s definition of good sex differs, but most people like orgasms and connection!”
At the end of the day, one can say it is simply about having fun. There’s nothing like when two people are in the moment exploring each other together. Sex can be teamwork, and if done right, there’s nothing like it.
