Yep, I’m ‘the’ Tuffy. The youngest and the most pampered member of the Kailash Nath family.

I was brought into Kailash Nath’s family when I was just a puppy.

Fuckers snatched me away from my mom. Yeah, well done, humanity.

For the next 10 days, they danced and celebrated around me. TBH, I was shit scared. “Where the hell am I?” I wondered. I later got to know that these weirdos just needed a reason to celebrate.

And I, was their latest reason.

However, the pampering soon stopped. I soon realized that all Kailash Nath wanted was a slave. Just like that dumbass Lalloo Prasad who, IMHO, acted like he was always high.

I was soon made to do some shitty chores.

Like umpiring some lame-ass match these fuckers decided to play one day. 

Do I look like Steve Bucknor BC?

And modelling for their shitty paintings. IMHO, the man couldn’t paint worth shit.

When the elder son Rajesh was getting married, I was made to guard his shoes.

I mean, why the fuck would I care about a smelly pair of shoes? Why? Why?

Some prick (I later came to know he was a guy called Prem) even took me to parks to get some easy dates. 

Tharki saala. 

Needless to say I got nothing in return. 

That Prem even framed me in some case of his saying ‘Uss din gaadi na main chala raha tha, na mera driver. Tuffy chala raha tha”. 

What an asshole!

Anyway, I soon got tired of their bullshit and begged them to let me out.

I even dropped them subtle hints.

But to no avail. Remember how they say “You should celebrate the small things in life”? Well, these pricks took it too literally.

“Oh you came home early today? Let’s celebrate”.

“Oh look! It’s raining! Call everybody, let’s celebrate!”.

“The eldest bahu farted? OMG, that calls for a celebration”.

Saalon kuch kaam dhandha nahin hai kya?

I needed a distraction. A distraction that would’ve helped me escape while they were busy.

Hence, I decided to take matters in my paw (read: hand). I knew I had to kill someone.

It was a cold and stormy night.

No wait, the skies were pretty clear that day. Yes, now I remember. Prem and Nisha were going to meet Nisha’s sister Pooja.

And they made the mistake of taking me along.

Pooja of course was elated to see us all. 

Which meant I had to endure her dance for the next 15 minutes,

But that only strengthened my resolution of bumping her off.

I knew I had my chance when she was going down the stairs. That’s when I decided to trip her.

Yup, it was me who’d killed Pooja. I did it so slyly, even the filmmakers didn’t see that coming.

However, it didn’t go down as I’d expected it to be. I mean yeah, they all got distracted and there was a lot of crying around. A much needed relief from all that dancing. Phew!

But deep down, I kinda felt guilty about it. I knew I shouldn’t have had all those beers that day. Fuckin’ made me impulsive AF.

Hence, I decided to make amends. By finally helping Prem get laid.

That sanskaari prick was about to let Rajesh marry Nisha.

Yup, it was me who intervened at the right time. And delivered their love letter to Rajesh. And hence, ultimately got them both married. 

Yes, I ain’t that bad either.

Prem and Nisha got married. And had a boy. And guess what they named him?

Ratan.

Yup, those ungrateful pricks didn’t name him Tuffy.

But I’m not complaining. I still stay with them. And yes, they’ve again started celebrating every fuckin’ thing that happens. Looks like I need to bump off another character.

LOL, just kidding.

Or am I?