Lizards, the buggers who finally get out of their hibernation and start appearing on your walls like the stupid spamming pop-ups on a certain news site.

Like how many times has it happened to you that you are just taking a shower on a Sunday afternoon, chilling, humming and even dancing and suddenly you notice a slimy, creepy reptile on the corner of the roof making eye contact with you? I don’t know about you guys, but I can almost hear it saying, ‘Surprise motherfucka’.

What bothers me is that a lot of people think I am being stupid when I get scared by a small harmless lizard on the wall. But they are not the worst. No, that circle is reserved for the people take the lizard’s side. 

“Dude she eats all the other insects, she is making your house clean.”

Species traitors!

You know what? Why don’t you carry her in a basket with a velvet cloth and take it to your own fuckin’ house? I will pay for it all, no kidding. This image is especially for all the people who said my fear is irrational.

I am no animal expert but after years of observation, I’m pretty sure this what plays out in those little reptilian heads.

Lizard Dad: “Hey I am going for a walk.”

Lizard Mom: “Where?”

Lizard Dad: “Just walking on the ceiling over the sleeping human, you send the kid to walk on the floor to scare that scumbag more.”

I don’t know what is it, but they creep me out more than Shakti Kapoor in a towel. They are like live, moving CCTV cameras on your wall observing everything, watching you breathe your every single breathe throughout the day, chilling on your wall like an unwanted work of art which you can’t remove.

It’s not that I am not brave enough to fight it or anything but a lizard’s defense mechanism is too damn strong. Yes, I am talking about its tail. Now I had some fucked up friends who made me watch the lizard tail dance and ever since, I just can’t think of touching one as it might break and give me a heart attack.

You know there are days when I just stay up and wish there was a way to communicate with the lizards so that I could tell them to just mind their own business and come out when I am not in the room so that there are no distasteful encounters. Well, until that day, excuse me if I spray random insect killers on you in self-defense.

I know the bug spray won’t help because the companies think only cockroaches and mosquitos are the real devils but it is my way of communicating to the lizard that I won’t leave the room before a fight. And sometimes it does work, it stops moving, gets a little fucked up…I jump in the air celebrating my victory but then she starts strolling normally. It’s okay Lizard you win this round but one day I hope some start up will make a spray dedicated to you and you will have no option other than leaving my house! 

And please for god’s sake, stop falling in the kitchen sink when you know you can’t get out of it.