As a recently married subsequent serial wedding attendee, I’m the ultimate authority on wedding gifts (fight me). So spoiler alert: You’re not a genius for geniusly thinking of the most genius wedding gift ever, genius. 

A few months ago, I got married to my partner of 10 years. It was the most amazing and fun few days I’ve ever had. Everything was perfect, until it was time to open our wedding gifts.  

It was all fun and games opening shagun envelopes. Even the cake plates and perfume kits were great. But soon, bam! We entered a wormhole of chandi ki katoris (silver bowls) we literally had no use for. 

WEDDING GUESTS WHILE BUYING GIFTS:

To be fair, the first one got us pretty excited.  

Then there was another. Each of these useless abominations came in an unsightly velvet box and every time this velvet peaked out of the wrapping paper we just tore, our disappointment dropped faster than Delhi’s temperature in winter. 

When we were at the 16th katori, we genuinely started questioning if we were missing something. 

The idea of giving gifts is to think about the couple who’s going to host you for two days on average.  

The least you can do is actually gift them something they’d be happy to receive. At least something mildly thoughtful. When it comes to katoris, more thought was put into writing Race 3. 

If I’m in a forgiving mood, even a regular bowl somewhat makes sense. A bowl of lesser value can at least be used for chakna during drinking sessions; if it’s a serious misfit it can even happily don the role of designated ashtray. 

Now, what do I even do with this silver bowl? Using it as an ashtray would be like using an iPad as a fly-swatter. Putting bhujia in it would be like using an iPhone as a coaster. And just keeping it as a centrepiece would be like putting a MI phone cover on an iPhone. 

21 katoris down. This has now become a serious issue. What have people been smoking to think this would be an appropriate gift? 

Isse achha ‘my presence is a gift’ bol ke katt lete. 

On the 23rd and last katori amidst the occasional surprise of dinner sets and mixer-grinders, we finally decided we’re done thinking about this. We came to the conclusion that we’d just re-pack and stuff it in the attic and regift it to whichever wedding we decide to go last minute. 

Then it hit us! 

These poor souls were not at fault. They were just trying to get rid of something they themselves desperately wanted to discard. And the best way to do it was… you guessed it. Regifting! 

While we’re not so forgiving about the zero thought put into our gift, we could actually empathise with the desperation of kicking out this poster-child of regifting.  

However, this needs to stop. These menacing katoris need to get out of circulation completely. And the only way to do it is to stop giving them as gifts altogether, at least to people whom you don’t hate. 

Put some real thought, FFS. Nahi toh cash hi de do, yaar.  

If you want an actual gift guide, watch this space, there’ll surely be one soon. From experience. After we’re done palming off all these useless AF things completely.