Every desi bhai and behen will relate to the fact that their bond is special AF. A grown-up independent woman having an elder brother will witness the changes in how his concern towards you soon transforms into a tool for control. Benevolent sexism, children. I love my brothers but they become real uncles when they have to be.
So, this is for you sisters out there, or other brothers, if your brother starts doing these things down here, it might be time to have that intervention. Cos nobody wants another god damned uncle in their life!
1. When you tell him you are going out with friends and he asks, ‘kaunse dost?’
In reality, your brother wants to know if your friend group includes bois or not cos he believes that every man in this world is unsafe for you. “Ladkon ke sath jayegi?” Peak uncle behaviour.
2. When you wish to get something for yourself and he starts talking about the rivers he had to swim and the mountains he had to climb to even go to school.
Beta, jab hum tumhari age ke the toh auto mein driver ke side wali seat par latakte hue jaate the. I am sure, some of you might have heard these lines from your brother. Uhhh, you are two years older than I am. Why do you sound like you grew up in the 80s?
3. When you are chilling with your boyfriend and he wants to play third wheel
There’s a high time that brothers should stop acting like mohalle-wale uncle cos siblings aren’t supposed to invade privacy and make a big deal about chilling with a person we like. And no, you don’t have to be the third wheel either. Haven’t you been in this phase in your life? Can we get some privacy, please? What I do with my partner is none of your business. Poke that nose somewhere else.
4. When your mother isn’t around and he expects you to cook and clean for him
Cooking is a survival skill for everyone to learn but is treated as a job for moms and sisters in many desi households. Expecting us to cook meal when moms aren’t around is stupid, sexist, and a typical uncle behaviour. “Yaar kuch khaane ko banade?” Tujhe bhookh lagi hai, tu bana le!
5. When you sport a backless dress and he complains about it being ‘too revealing’
Sometimes, brothers act like Shah Rukh Khan from Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, who doesn’t want to see a girl of the family in a backless dress cos it’s ‘too revealing’. What is too revealing? What’s the definition, where do you draw the lines? Who knows? That’s right, I do. It’s my clothes, my body, my autonomy, shitheads!
6. When you are leaving to another city and he gives ‘I’m-watching-you’ look
The ‘I-am-watching-you’ look denotes that your brother is trying to keep an eye on your life even from miles away. This happens irrespective of the fact that the girl is now independent and can take care of herself in another city. Concern is okay, but don’t get overboard with it. Not cool, bro.
7. When you want to drive and he turns sexist cos “ladkiyaan gaadi thokti hain”
‘Girls can’t drive’ is stupid AF. Really. A brother not letting her sister drive a car alone and sitting on the passenger seat is an example of sexist behaviour that we mostly witness in uncles of our society. What were those driving classes for then? And gaadi thokna is not gender-specific. Ever hear a drunk person say, ‘Aaj Gaadi teri behen chalaegi?‘ Nope, it’s always bhai chalaega cos you all crash shit all the time!
8. When you want him to emote but he’s like mard ko dard nahi hota
Awww, did you learn that from the tapri you smoke at with all the other super intellectual people you hang out with?
9. When he keeps saying, “iski shaadi kara dete hain”
When a girl of the family wishes to live her life on her own terms and doesn’t adhere to the house rulebook, most of the brothers go like, “Iski shaadi kara dete hain.” Why? I ask. He’s being stupid like your colony-wale uncle.
10. When you want to go on a night-out but he says, “hamare ghar ki ladkiyaan…”
Remember the last time you went out for a night-out at your friends’ place? Forget parents? How did your brother reacted to it? If he sounded anything like, “hamare ghar ki ladkiyaan aise raat bhar bahar nahin rehti”, congratulations he has turned into an uncle.
Just chill, man. Live and let live. We don’t rat you out every time you get stoned or drunk or have a girlfriend or that time there were too many tissues in the washroom. So just chill the F out. You will be an uncle in 10-15 years’ time, why rush it?