You know how people sometimes say, ‘their love story was the stuff legends were made of.’ We were the ‘they’ in that sentence. That is exactly what people used to say about us. And for the most part, it was true – and yet, I couldn’t be with you.
Because while I loved you with all my heart, I could never experience physical pleasure with you.
We were kids when we first got together. Barely out of our teens, experiencing the rush and anxiety of living away from the home for the first time.
And we fell in love while discussing books and sipping cheap wine from broken teacups.
We became each other’s support for the days we were homesick but too proud to let mom know. We became each other’s cheerleaders when we first accomplished an ‘adult’ task – something as basic as doing the laundry right.
We were each other’s cheesy good morning texts and passionate late-night calls.
From kids who were still figuring out the intricacies of a relationship to adults who started living together–in secrecy from our parents, of course–we spent years with each other. Until one day, I just could not.
Because somehow, when it came to being intimate with each other, we just didn’t fit. It was like trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces.
What pieces went missing? I never could tell. Because not like you didn’t try. And not like I did not share what I expected.
And still, the toe-curling, deeply satisfying, ultimate sexual gratification was something I never experienced.
You could finish my sentences for me and knew my deepest secrets. And yet, you somehow never could tune into the signals of my body.
Our kisses didn’t raise my spirits. Your touch didn’t set my heart on fire. And every time we had sex, it left me on the edge, but not in a good way.
Our lovemaking was like the first draft of a highly-successful novel – it had potential, but it never reached the climax, quite literally.
I know people questioned our decision to part ways. I know you tried to understand me, but deep down, were hurt by my reasons. And the one thing I know for sure is that we tried. Both of us.
We explored and discussed and experimented. We went beyond our comfort zones. And yet, I don’t know why we didn’t click.
Perhaps it was because I was inexperienced. Perhaps I could lay bare my soul, but never my body. Perhaps it was all of this and none of it at the same.
Or perhaps, it just wasn’t meant to be. Because sometimes things just don’t fall in place, right? No matter how much you may wish for them to!
I know they say that when you’re in love, the physical act of lovemaking becomes more special. But we were the exception to the thought. We were, to put it simply, physically incompatible.
When we parted ways, I knew I was giving up on my heart for my body. At that age, it felt like the right thing to do. Even when my closest friends told me I was making a mistake, I still went ahead with the decision. Because somehow I knew, this one time, love would not be enough.
I have since then experienced the rush of sexual gratification. I have never found another love like you though. I guess I left my heart caged, even as I allowed my body to explore.