Today’s International Men’s Day. So, by default, many from the entitled bunch will be cribbing about how Women’s Day always becomes a huge thing, but life and the world are so unfair to men. Some misogynists of the lot will also boast about hyper-masculinity and diss female privilege as they shove in the tenth peg of vodka and start voicing their bigotry to anyone who’d lend an ear.
But what if workplaces began celebrating men’s day like women’s day? What will corporates do? How’d that be like?
1. A dumb emailer with a borrowed template broadcasted to all men thanking them for their ‘valuable contribution’ in propagating a man’s world inside the corporate premises.
Here’s a draft: “Thank you for your continued contributions to the office canteen, for letting female team leads exist albeit unwillingly, and for cracking cheap jokes to brighten the day of other male colleagues like you.”
2. A male-only push-up challenge with women as weights cos that’s why they were hired. Right?
To get male colleagues coffee, to make MOMs, to become weights in push-up challenges, and to listen to their unsolicited advice.
3. A workshop on male empowerment where entitled men can become each other’s allies and rant about how we live in an unequal society where women get all the privileges and men nothing…
Nothing but extra pay, more opportunities, better exposure, a quicker path to leadership, non-family questions in interviews, a non-judgemental environment, freedom to be, and more.
4. A conference room celebration where videos of all female colleagues expressing ‘gratitude’ to their male colleagues will be projected on screen.
One woman says, “Thank you for calling out even the most minuscule error in our presentations in front of everyone. I know you guys want us to be perfect idols.”
“Thank you for listening to me,” records another female colleague. “Thank you for mansplaining — oh sorry, explaining — to us things that really need no explanation. We know you want us to be perfect. We know you care. Too much.”
5. Anonymous feedback on the presentation deck written inside a men’s day card, slyly left on their work desk cos it is the only time they will hear a female teammate’s suggestions.
WHEN THEY ARE ANONYMOUS.
6. A one-way free ticket to Thailand for that one male employee who cannot stop cracking lewd Bangkok jokes.
Go and just don’t come back. We wish you well! 🙂
7. A free pack of Johnny Depp Playing Cards so they stop obsessing over something they call ‘women-card.’
Now, they can just use their male cards baselessly to accuse each other of exaggerating disturbing experiences and leave women out of the picture.
8. A speech from the senior-most male employee on how men can ‘single-handedly’ drive the ENTIRE turnover of the organisation with the support of helpful women colleagues who keep them motivated and organised.
Cos a woman’s primary duty to a team is to help hard-working male employees be motivated and relaxed with the grace of her humour or by becoming an object of humour.
9. A premium subscription to Otter so men can avoid the fuss to request an already overloaded female colleague to complete THEIR transcription duties cos they don’t want to.
Seriously! Life will be easy for them.
10. A free coffee vending machine for male employees so none of them find the need to ask their female colleagues to get them coffee from the canteen every day.
It’s expensive, but they’ll love it.
11. A special town hall for men to talk over women without being called out for mansplaining.
Let their dream come true!
12. A special day in the office when female colleagues admit that they only like sports because they find sportsmen cute.
At least for one day men won’t have to debate women on FACTUAL TRUTHS. Right?
13. Let men bring their kids to office for female colleagues to babysit because har aurat ka sapna maa ban na hi toh hai.
And this would make both men and women happy. LOL.
Seriously! It will be a LIT idea to celebrate men’s day at workplaces for entitled men. They hardly get the acknowledgement they deserve.