Note: I absolutely do not recommend this to anyone.
I now have massive respect for the Western world and a borderline unhealthy attachment to my beloved jet spray.
It all started when I was grossly overplaying my level of cool at an office party.
I claimed I was first-world enough to wipe my butt with toilet paper (and not use water) for a week.
In two days, I unwittingly imbibed this golden life-lesson — Never shout “MAIN KAR KE DIKHAOONGI!” under the influence of 6 vodka shots with 17 witnesses.
For the sake of proving how metal I am, I planned to stick to my guns and brave it out for a week. This is how things went. If you’re faint-hearted and squeamish, turn back now.
Day 1
It’s just another day of pooping and overstaying on the pot to watch hot glue DIY videos. However, overstaying is not an option today. Because, what if poop residue gets too dry for tissue to get to it? Legit concern.
So, I was finally done in record time and got to the cleaning part.
Now, the first wipe is always the worst. You have to accurately calculate how much TP you need. And then intricately fold this multi-layered mini-mattress to make it thick enough to pick up the maximum poop and not let anything get on your hands while at it.
Soon, I had a few primary concerns:
At what point does one stop?
Does everyone examine each piece of TP to know when they’re done?
How many times do you have to keep wiping until you finally feel clean?
And finally…
When will I truly feel clean?
And the answer to that is NEVER. You never feel clean, no matter how much you obsessively wiped your way into hemorrhoids.
What’s more? When you use toilet paper, that’s essentially the only thing that goes on in your mind the rest of the day.
It constantly feels like there’s a piece of tissue stuck up your butt.
And your awkward penguin walk will eventually give you away.
At work, I was asked if everything is okay noticing the weird walk. I told them I tried anal to avoid embarrassment.
The first day is nearly over. I already have one less friend.
I decided to treat myself to Mutton Korma for dinner as my reward for surviving day 1. Little did I realise that with korma comes mirchi. And with mirchi comes consequences.
Day 2
Today, I am an upside-down dragon.
And while my burning butt is a genuine issue, this was my legit post-TP concern.
This was the day I got to know what it’s like to be a literal butthurt.
The problem with wiping on a spicy butt morning is that you have to be hard enough to clean and soft enough to not cause chemical erosion.
After trying my best to achieve perfect TP and spicy food synergy, I stepped out. And the rest of the day pretty much went like day 1 — in pain, with borderline first-degree burns, and tonnes of regret.
Day 3
After the 2-day ordeal, today my poop decided enough was enough. My butt lead this aggressive protest and basically shut shop.
My bum be like:
I’m pretty sure the toilet paper made my bum revolt with constipation. I stuck around for a while hoping against hope, but no luck. On the plus side, I now know 16 different ways to use a hot glue gun. Toilet paper has changed my life after all.
I was in so much discomfort, I had to take leave due to the stomach ache. I clearly failed this challenge. And I vow never to third-degree-torture myself this way. The leftover TP rolls at my home are now going to be used as makeup wipes and for hot glue DIYs
Guys, if you’re used to the luxury of the jet spray, bidet, or even mugga and lota, I do not recommend this abomination.
As for everybody who regularly uses this method. You certainly deserve an Oscar.