14 years ago, we were blessed with the cult film, Vivah. From crushing over Shahid Kapoor’s chocolate boy looks to Amrita Rao playing the ‘shy’ girl, the movie became everyone’s favourite.
Thankfully, things change with time and so do our opinions. That is why we re-watched the film to see if we feel the same way we did a little over a decade ago. No points for guessing, that is not the case.
Presenting to you, all the way from Madhupur (Still have no feckin idea where it is), Vivah, re-watched with a woke mind and the questions that followed afterwards.
1. Why is Alok Nath’s character absolutely obsessed with getting his niece married?
The dude literally thinks of nothing else.
2. Also, what tf does he mean by ‘Betiyaan paraaya dhan hoti hain’?
Beti padhao, beti vivaaho?
3. The chachi’s jealousy towards her niece was evident. But did she just smear her daughter’s face with talcum powder to make her look fair?
Dafuq woman? That is a child.
4. Why is this barely 10-year-old girl singing songs about wanting to get married?
5. Did this man seriously have nothing else to do but think about weddings?
6. BTW, who tf calls water, ‘jal’?
Yeh movie dekh kar jal-e mera jiya.
7. On the other hand in Delhi, Anupam Kher is obsessed with having his family around 24/7. But what’s up with him not letting his daughter-in-law visit her parents?
I wonder how he brought up two sons, if you know what I mean. Privacy is important, guys!
8. And hello, which world does Sooraj Barjatya live in? Dilli ka kaunsa ‘industrailist’ launda Madhupur jaa kar shaadi karega?
Let’s be real.
9. Who shares personal information like their son’s rishta getting fixed with the whole damn office?
My boss doesn’t even tell me if she’s not coming to work.
10. Please tell us, what is the RIGHT age?
Aren’t you supposed to get settled first and then invite a partner into your life?
11. How did Prem fall in love with Poonam by just looking at her picture?
Why doesn’t anyone fall in love with my selfies that take me an hour to get right?
12. Why does Anupam Kher’s character think that only women from small towns make up for great wives and mothers?
So, basically, women from big cities are not ‘marriage material’.
13. Time to go meet the girl! But why is she getting ready after they’ve arrived?
Also, ‘Unhi ke liye yeh roop yeh shringar hai’? Woman, you haven’t even met him yet!
14. Why is she being presented like a Power Point presentation by a nerdy first-bencher?
15. When the couple is left alone to talk, why is that the guy is the only one talking? Why doesn’t she have anything to tell him?
Also, in under five minutes, he wants to tell her things he’s never told anybody. Sigh, that’s what they all say.
16. Jhatt mangni, phatt vyaah! Five minutes of conversation and they’re soulmates already?
It’s been eight months with the boy I’m seeing. I don’t know if we are even friends or not.
17. After speaking five words in total to him, she says yes. How are you so decisive, woman?
It takes me longer to order food.
18. Why are they getting engaged literally 10 seconds after saying yes? Is this how it works?
19. Why is he clicking her picture like a creep with that flip phone? Doesn’t he already have a photograph to obsess over?
20. Why is she so traumatised when her own fiance asks her to meet him?
Itna kaun sharmaata hai yaar?
21. Seriously, do the men of these families not do a single thing on their own?
22. Let’s talk about this ‘Mujhe haq hai’ business. Why does he say that and then she responds with, ‘Tumhe haq hai’? Why is it not, ‘Mujhe bhi haq hai’.
Woman, feminism?
23. Also, can they please stop romancing while a child is sleeping 10 steps away from them?
24. Why is her drinking from the same glass as him considered to be a ‘moment’? Is this their version of kissing?
25. And why the fuck are they crying? Didn’t you guys just spend a whole weekend together? Aren’t you guys like getting married in a few months?
26. Prem’s family throws a party when Poonam visits their home for the first time. Is this what they call a ‘small’ party?
27. Why is she dressed like a bride already?
28. Why in the hell is she the one serving food to the men? Can this family get any more sexist?
29. Why would you want to get your daughter married off to someone who’ll only marry her for dowry?
30. Why the fuck in God’s name are these people not giving way to the fire truck?
I mean, seriously? What’s wrong with people from Madhupur?
31. How can he enter a burn ward without a mask on? Who allowed this?
32. Eh, so he applies sindoor on her head. Is this their priority at the moment?!
33. Oh, so now chachi ji loves her because she saved her daughter from getting burned. And that makes up for years of neglect and torture?
34. Why are they getting married just a day after she was released from the hospital?
She has second degree burns, for God’s sakes.
35. BTW, they referred to sex as ‘milan’ during the movie. WTF is milan ya?
Watch the movie again and let us know what you think of it.