Netflix’s Money Heist is going to be adapted by Bollywood’s own Abbas-Mustan for a film. While we can’t wait for it to be made, we kinda imagined what that would look like.
1. Ajay Devgn has a double role because Krunal Pandya refused to play Ajay’s younger brother.
Brand rivalry hai, Krunal likes Pan Bahar.
2. There will also be a Tokyo-like character, who would be a badass woman, mid-30s, really sensuous but in a ‘aww I am going to kill you kinda way’ in which case, the safe bet would be Deepika Padukone.
Because let’s be honest here if Bollywood needs a mainstream actor playing a mainstream female character that happens to be a little edgy… aur kaun karega?
3. Sex scenes will be replaced by 5 min-Atif Aslam songs to imply ki sex ho raha hai.
4. Saif Ali Khan would probably play Arturo.
This character will have more plot twists than our parents’ stories about climbing mountains and swimming through crocodile-infested waters to go to school. Oh, and Saif Ali Khan, still attempting to redeem himself for Main Khiladi Tu Anari will take the role so that he can convince us that he is a character actor.
5. And the bank in question would probably be in Europe. Let’s be honest here…
Nobody is getting through anyone during lunch hours. You can’t update a passbook, let alone take hostages. Gupta uncle doesn’t give a f**k about your shit till roti and bhindi ki sabji go down that throat.
6. The movie might also have 2-3 Kota Factory, Hostel Daze wale actors! Teenage angst pe PhD kar rakhi hai inhone.
7. Selmon Bhai will be introduced as a new character. He will be the lead. Obviously.
In the scene where the Professor releases his recordings, it would just be Salman Khan addressing the nation. It will be an inspirational speech, typically followed by crowd going nuts in the theatre.
8. India’s version of Raquel, which should ideally be played by Tabu but we will probably have to deal with Rani Mukherji doing a caricature of her character in Mardani.
Oh and also, they would never change sides, because HaMaRi PoLiCe CoUlD nEvEr! And for sex? We don’t even know what that is.
9. And since the film will be made by action thrillers ke Sanjay Leela Bhansali, there will be a parachute scene inside the bank at some point.
Maybe that’s how Selmon bhai will make his entry. Maybe add a bazooka or a rocket launcher?
10. Monica will be played by some lesser-known actor, whose performance we will be calling underrated in an article like this.
Also, they will only hire a lesser-known actor because they will have no budget after casting Salman, Saif and main man, Vimal.
11. There will be one item song. In case the film is shit, they will have to earn that money back. So Youtube’s 50 million views, 15 times a day on 9XM. Will probably have Jaqueline Fernandes on it.
12. Ek love story that holds everything together, probably featuring another lesser-known actor, who will die to give the team motivation to come together and finish the job.
13. Nairobi will be played by an actress who will somehow manage a brownface throughout the movie, despite this being 2021.
14. Autruo’s betrayal will not really be a big deal because by the time it will happen, you will have seen things far more unimaginable.
15. Ajay Devgn’s character will also have a tragic backstory where he was probably an employee at the bank and got fired. They will also go out of their way to establish how smart his character is.
16. Krunal Pandya will opt out of the film mid-shoot because Vimal bro keeps spitting at him (brand rivalry). To make up for that, Krunal will remove the mask and we will see it was actually Lord Bobby all along.
What now? You don’t think any of this would happen?